‘Holding the Man’ – a tearful review

The highly anticipated ‘Holding the Man‘ arrived in cinemas last week. My partner and I have been looking forward to seeing this quintessential Australian love story come alive on the big screen.

We saw the movie at the Palace Verona in Paddington on Sunday afternoon, but it took us a few days to recover from the experience enough to be able to write about it.

The movie is beautiful, tender, touching and … brutal. The team involved had done an amazing screen adaptation. We both read the book, saw the stage-play, and made the fatal mistake of entering the cinema without tissues, thinking we would be able to manage our emotions. That was a flawed plan.

Tommy Murphy’s adaptation for the screen is simply marvellous, and builds on his previous work on the stage-play. Without doubt he was the right man for this project and we must be grateful for his unparalleled commitment to the story over the years.

The director, Neil Armfield has produced a universal masterpiece with this movie and it will without doubt become a legacy piece of his successful career.

I felt contractually obliged to ring John. I did it that night.

‘Mrs Caleo, can I speak to John please?’ She asked who was calling. I choked out my name.
…
‘Hi Tim.’ We sat in silence for a moment. ‘This is a nice surprise.’

‘That’s good. There is something I want to tell you.’

‘I’m all ears.’

‘You know this stupid game that Biscuit’s been playing? Today he said I have to drop you, and I don’t want to.’ Should I risk it? ‘I’m being serious.’ Maybe he doesn’t understand. ‘What I’m trying to say is I like you.’

‘That’s good.’

I was fumbling. ‘I really like you. I’ve liked you for some time.’

‘I like you too.’

‘Does this mean we’re going out together?’

‘You haven’t asked me yet.’

‘John Caleo, will you go round with me?’

‘Yep.’
_{‘Holding the Man’, Timothy Conigrave}

The two lead actors, Ryan Corr and Craig Stott bring Timothy Conigrave and John Caleo back to life on the screen. Their performances are so brilliant, it makes the experience particularly brutal. Having to relive John being ravaged by HIV and watch Tim care for him and love him to that last harrowing, precious breath, while emotionally draining, is an experience unparalleled in beauty and love.

The funeral scene where Tim is referred to merely as a ‘friend’ of John, takes the heartbreak to a whole new level …

Father Wood asked if we could have a word in the garden. ‘I believe things between you and the family are pretty tense at the moment, particularly with Bob.’

‘He treats me like I’m not there. It’s like he’s trying to reclaim John, save him from the dirty poofter who corrupted him. All this stuff about not mentioning ‘gay’ or AIDS at the funeral.’

‘I want you to know that I will try my best to include you in the funeral. I’ll talk about you as his friend. Are you happy about that?’

‘He’s my husband, we’ve been together fifteen years.’

‘I understand, but you must understand there’ll be nothing gained by alienating his parents.’
_{‘Holding the Man’, Timothy Conigrave}

Tim and John would have turned 56 years old this year.

We may have lost these two beautiful and talented men to a tragic epidemic but, thanks to Timothy capturing their story for eternity, in a book-length love letter to John, they will both live on forever in literature, on stage and screen, and in our hearts to inspire us all. That’s true immortality.

We wondered if Timothy foresaw the significance of the story he was writing. We would like to think he did, and that’s why he willed himself to live long enough to finish his manuscript, passing away just a few days after completing the book.

Timothy wrote his book with a raw honesty. He portrayed himself frankly – a flawed man, an imperfect being, looking for love and meaning. He was one of us – all of us.

Timothy was also an activist and a leader, and the best way we can pay respect to Timothy and John’s memory is by continuing to fight for the acceptance and equality of the LGBTI community, including marriage equality.

The heartbreaking story of these star-crossed lovers, and many others like them, was the product of the culture they lived in, and may have had a very different ending if they lived in a society that fully accepted their love.

_{A pivotal scene from ‘Holding the Man’}

‘Will you marry me?’ asked Tim way back in the 70s, a cross between a joke and a deep desire to be with John.

Long before LGBTI people spoke up for marriage equality in public, privately many of us desired to be able to show our love and commitment by marrying our partner.

It’s ironic many of those who oppose marriage equality spent a lifetime complaining about their perception of the LGBTI community being promiscuous, and lacking the commitment required for long-term relationships. They seem to conveniently ignore that a bigoted, homophobic society is not a suitable environment for committed, long-term relationships by the LGBTI community. Such relationships can only safely exist in a society that’s mature and accepting enough to afford normality and visibility.

These critical conditions for successful, long-term relationships were denied to the LGBTI community for a long time, and continue to be challenged. When the LGBTI community asks they be allowed to take part in the very institution designed to provide the legal and social framework for committed, long-term relationships, the same people now oppose marriage equality.

I guess the hardest thing is having so much love for you and it somehow not being returned. I develop crushes all the time, but that is just misdirected need for you. You are a hole in my life, a black hole. Anything I place there cannot be returned. I miss you terribly.

Ci vedremo lassù, angelo.
_{‘Holding the Man’, Timothy Conigrave}